I wonder why Zagat doesn't do THAT survey...

I just received the August issue of GQ and noticed the bold cover line "The 4 Greatest Food Cities on Earth". I think the neighbors must have heard my eyes rolling, because a baby suddenly started crying. I immediately flipped to page 158 to see what I expected to be the usual combination of cities that are repeated endlessly in these "bests" lists (New York, Paris, blah blah), and was pleasantly surprised to find that their four picks were Bangkok, Madrid, Piedmont and...Los Angeles! About time! Gold star to the writers for daring to highlight some overlooked food destinations. There are plenty of things to complain about here in LA, but since moving here, I've been shouting to anyone back east who would listen that this city is really on a tear when it comes to food and wine. Among LA's many strong suits are Korean, Thai, Japanese, American, Lebanese, French, Indian, Soul Creole and (duh) Mexican. Some of the weaker areas are Chinese (compared to New York), Spanish and Cuban. I'm not a big fan of Mexican food, and being from the east makes me a huge fan of Spanish and Cuban. However, if I had a choice between my favorite Spanish restaurant in New York (El Pote) and my favorite "other" restaurant here (A.O.C.), I would take the LA restaurant without a second thought. Also, no burger chain can hold a light to In-N-Out Burger. I don't miss White Castle in the least anymore.

Still, reading that article got me thinking about one of the major gaping holes in food coverage. There are a thousand lists of "best this" or "best that" that are printed every year. However, no one ever compiles a list of the foods you should avoid at all costs when visiting a certain city. Think about it...don't you wish someone had warned you not to get a slice of pizza in Venice, Italy? I know I do.

In fact, here for the first time is my compilation of the worst cities for particular types of food. If you have suggestions to add to the list, please send them my way. Expect this list to grow over time:

Worst Creole: Seattle, Washington
I must admit, I don't have an extensive knowledge of the Emerald City's Creole cuisine. However, I'm picking Seattle because it is where I had the worst Creole meal of my life. I ordered red beans and rice, and I sincerely believe they dumped a can of pork and beans onto a plate. Great city for halibut. Bad city for soul food.

Worst Chinese: Paris, France
My buddy "O" can also attest to this. We ate at several Chinese restaurants there when I last visited several years ago. They all had the terrible habit of scooping cold, pre-cooked food onto a plate and tossing it into a microwave. I'm not kidding. Think that's ridiculous? Well, poor "O" got scolded at one place for not paying the correct amount (I took french...he didn't). Have you ever heard a Chinese woman shout obscenities in broken French? It's almost worth dealing with the crappy food. But not quite.

Worst NY Style pizza: Chicago, Illinois
Worst Chicago Style pizza: New York, New York
Maybe it's done on purpose, but these cities seriously screw up each others pizza. Most New Yorkers don't even know that Chicago style does not mean "deep dish" (it's actually flat, with no crust, cut into squares) and most Chicagoans think anything served by the slice is New York style. Can we have a truce folks? Please, leave each others pizza alone.

Worst anything other than steak: Buenos Aires, Argentina
True story. Now, I love steak. I love $8 filet mignon cuts even more. When it comes to great, cheap steak and delicious Malbec wine, no one can touch Buenos Aires. But after a couple of days of steak three times a day, your body begins to beg for a vegetable. During one meal, I was on the verge of withdrawal. I called the waiter and asked him if it was possible to get some vegetables. I don't know Spanish (took French, remember?), so after some very bad sign language the waiter finally uttered the magical word I'd been waiting for.

"Broccoli?"

Yes, my good man, bring me some broccoli! Ten minutes later, he shows up at my table with ANOTHER steak. After smiling for several seconds, he confidently repeated the word.

"Broccoli."

Once again, I don't speak Spanish. Even if I did, I know that pronunciation is very different in Argentina than in other Spanish-speaking nations (two "L"s is pronounced as a "J" sound, for example). Still, I don't think that "broccoli" is Spanish for steak, no matter the pronunciation. Still, I would have felt terrible to send the steak back after the waiter's hard work, so I forced it down. Have you ever watched one of those nature programs on the habits of wild pack animals such as wolves? I've heard it remarked that, after gorging themselves on raw flesh, a wolf can actually end up in a state that is best described as drunk. I now completely understand what that means. Smuggle a few cans of green beans with you if you ever travel to Argentina.